Stuck After A Breakup? 6 Signs You Are In A "Sadness Rut" (And How To Climb Out)

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Picture two people, both three months out of a relationship. The first still has hard days. A photo or a song can still flatten her for an evening, but she is sleeping again, she went to a friend's birthday last week, and some mornings she wakes up and doesn't think about him straight away. The second looks fine from the outside. Inside, it is still the day it ended: same thoughts, same phone checks, same ache at 11 p.m.

Both are grieving, but only one of them is moving. The difference has nothing to do with how much they loved or how strong they are, and you can usually spot which one you are with a few honest questions.

Relationship counselor Penny Price has spent over 20 years helping people through breakups, and she has a name for the second person's situation. She calls it a "sadness rut": instead of getting over their ex and moving on, people get caught going round the same painful thoughts and habits. You can step out of a rut, but you have to see it first.

Six signs you have stopped moving

Read these slowly and answer honestly. You don't need to recognise yourself in all six. One or two, week after week, is enough to hold your healing back.

Your ex is your first and last thought of the day. You wake up and they are there. You fall asleep running through the same conversation. In between, they are the background to everything.
You have put yourself on trial. You keep coming back to what must be wrong with you, as if the breakup were a verdict on your worth. Penny is firm on this one: whatever happened, you are not at fault for the pain you feel.
Your phone has become a door you keep opening. You message or call, again and again, hoping that this time they will give it another try. Or you don't send anything, but you check their profile five times a day, which keeps the wound just as open.
Evenings are about getting numb. The glass of wine became three, or the scrolling goes on until 2 a.m., or you lean on whatever stops you feeling for a few hours. It works for the night and costs you the next day.
You tell everyone you are fine. You hide the sadness and the anger, partly because friends and family seem tired of hearing about it. Penny's view is that if you don't let yourself feel the pain, you can never be free of it.
Your days have lost their shape, and the future looks blank. Meals, sleep, work and the things you used to enjoy have all slipped, and when you try to picture a happy life without your ex in it, nothing comes.

If you saw yourself in that list, take a breath and go easy on yourself. Penny says it plainly: we have all been there. Almost everyone who has loved and lost has spent time in this exact place, and recognising it is how you start climbing out.

[Add one honest sentence here if you have been stuck like this yourself, or know someone who was. If not, delete this line.]

How to climb out, one small move at a time

Nobody climbs out of a rut with one huge effort on a Sunday night. You climb out with small moves that you repeat until they hold.

Let the feeling out instead of sitting on it

It sounds backwards, but the way past the hurt goes through it. When you let yourself be sad instead of fighting it, the feeling starts to move. Write it down, say it out loud to someone, or simply let yourself cry. All of it is allowed, and none of it means you are going backwards.

Close the trial

Every time you catch yourself listing what is wrong with you, say the true thing instead: you loved someone, and losing them hurts. That is a human response, "mental, emotional and even chemical", in Penny's words. Blame keeps you circling, while kindness towards yourself is what lets you move.

Choose one person for the bad nights

Penny encourages people to find a "Breakup Sponsor": one person you can turn to on the rough days, who will listen and gently keep you going. It is not a magic cure, but having someone in your corner can be worth its weight in gold. Asking them is a sign of strength.

Make the contact decision in daylight

Sometimes contact with an ex is fine, and sometimes it keeps reopening the wound. Decide on your plan while you are calm, write it down if it helps, and stick to it when the 11 p.m. urge arrives.

Put one piece of your day back

Don't try to rebuild your whole life this week. Pick one simple thing, such as a morning walk, a proper breakfast or a call to a friend, and do it again tomorrow. A day with one fixed point in it is much harder to fall through.

These are only the first moves. Penny's eBook, Survival After Separation, has a whole section of daily tips for getting through the rough periods, regaining your self control and avoiding a sadness rut in the first place, and she sums up her approach in a short video on the 5 key principles.

What the person who is moving again has done

Go back to the first person in this article for a moment. She isn't over it, and she still has bad evenings. But she has let herself feel it, she has someone to call, and her days have a shape again, so the bad evenings no longer swallow the whole week. That is what climbing out looks like from the inside, and it is closer than it feels when you are at the bottom.

Healing still takes time and effort, as Penny herself says. You can come out the other side knowing yourself better than before, with your confidence back and room in your life for love again.

If you have been stuck for a while, start here

Penny explains the 5 key principles to getting over your ex and how to be happy again in a short video. It is a gentle place to begin, whether your breakup was last month or long enough ago that you feel you "should" be over it by now.

Watch Penny's short video: How to get over your ex and be happy again

(As I said at the top, that is my affiliate link.)