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It usually comes from someone who loves you. You say something small and true, like "I still can't sleep", and they squeeze your arm and say it: "You need to get over it." Or the softer version: "Give it time. Time heals everything."

They mean well. They want the old you back, the one who laughed at their jokes and didn't check the phone every ten minutes. But you go home feeling worse than before, because now you have two problems. You are still hurting, and apparently you are also failing at something everyone else seems to find easy.

If that has happened to you, hear this clearly: the advice is wrong, and you are not failing. There is a reason it doesn't work, and once you see it, the next few weeks start to look very different.

[Add one honest sentence about why you are sharing this, for example a breakup you went through yourself or a friend you watched struggle. If you have nothing to add, delete this line.]

You can't switch off a feeling on command

Penny Price has worked as a relationship counselor for over 20 years and has met with thousands of people going through heart-shattering breakups. One thing she tells every one of them is that the hurt is real. If you truly loved your partner, what you feel now is a human response to losing them, "mental, emotional and even chemical", and nobody talks their way out of a chemical response by deciding to be fine.

So when someone says "just get over it", they are asking you to do the one thing a person in love can't do on command. You didn't choose to feel this, and you can't un-choose it either.

Maybe you have started to wonder whether you are being dramatic, or too sensitive, or whether something is wrong with you for welling up in the supermarket when that song comes on. Penny's answer is blunt. The people telling you to hurry up are simply wrong, and the pain you feel is justified.

What "time heals" leaves out

Time does pass, and some days do get easier. But time on its own does not heal all wounds. Plenty of people wait it out and are left, years later, "with a bit of a hole in your heart that you just choose to bury and try to ignore." That buried hurt doesn't stay put, either. It can affect all your future relationships, and your future happiness.

Waiting has a way of turning into a loop. Penny calls it a "sadness rut": you think about your ex all day and night, you keep going over what must be wrong with you, and you can't picture a happy life without them. The calendar keeps moving while you stay exactly where you were.

The way out runs in the opposite direction from "get over it". In Penny's words, if you don't let yourself fully feel the pain, you can never be free of it. Pushing it down only postpones it, and usually makes it heavier when it comes back.

The pain is not your fault

This one is hard to take in, especially at 2 a.m. when you are replaying the last argument for the fortieth time and rewriting every line you said. But whatever led to the breakup, Penny is clear that you are not at fault for the pain you are in. As she puts it: "That was then. This is now." No healing can happen while you are busy putting yourself on trial.

What you do get to decide is what happens next, and that is far more useful than any amount of blame.

Penny put everything she has learned about that "what next" into a step-by-step eBook called Survival After Separation, and she explains the heart of it in a short video on the 5 key principles to getting over your ex. If the "just get over it" crowd has left you feeling alone, it is a kinder voice to listen to.

What actually helps, and what to ask your friends for

Most people say "get over it" because they don't know what else to offer. You can give them something better to do, and give yourself a better plan at the same time.

• Give yourself permission to be sad. You don't go through a breakup every week, so there is no correct way to feel. Sad, angry, numb, relieved and heartbroken, all in one afternoon, is normal.
• Pick one person to lean on. Penny calls this a "Breakup Sponsor": one person who understands, who you can call on the bad nights, and who keeps you going. She is the first to say it isn't a magic pill, but that kind of support can be worth its weight in gold.
• Tell the well-meaning friend what you need. A friend who keeps saying "move on" usually just needs to hear, kindly, that you would rather they listened.
• Ask for help without apologising for it. Penny calls asking for help a real sign of strength, and she is right. Saying "I'm not okay yet" takes more courage than another brave face.
• Decide about contact while you are calm. Whether to stay in touch with your ex is a real decision, and it is a bad one to make at midnight with the phone already in your hand.

Where this goes when you stop rushing yourself

Penny's view is that you can honor what you shared and still look forward to a bright future. Getting through a breakup properly doesn't mean forgetting the person or pretending they never mattered. It means carrying the good parts with you and letting the rest go, until one day you notice you have gone a whole morning without checking whether they have posted anything.

She describes the person on the other side of all this as "a newer, better and more loving and loveable you". That may sound a long way off tonight. It is still where this leads once you stop trying to skip the hurt and start working through it, one honest day at a time.

A better voice than "get over it"

You have heard "get over it" enough times. If you would rather hear from someone who has spent two decades with people in exactly your position, Penny's short video walks through the 5 key principles to getting over your ex and how to be happy again. It is for you whether your breakup came as a total surprise, was mutual, or was your own choice.

Watch Penny's short video on the 5 key principles

(As I said at the top, that is my affiliate link.)

Disclosure: this article contains an affiliate link. If you buy through it, I may earn a commission at no extra cost to you.

Picture two people, both three months out of a relationship. The first still has hard days. A photo or a song can still flatten her for an evening, but she is sleeping again, she went to a friend's birthday last week, and some mornings she wakes up and doesn't think about him straight away. The second looks fine from the outside. Inside, it is still the day it ended: same thoughts, same phone checks, same ache at 11 p.m.

Both are grieving, but only one of them is moving. The difference has nothing to do with how much they loved or how strong they are, and you can usually spot which one you are with a few honest questions.

Relationship counselor Penny Price has spent over 20 years helping people through breakups, and she has a name for the second person's situation. She calls it a "sadness rut": instead of getting over their ex and moving on, people get caught going round the same painful thoughts and habits. You can step out of a rut, but you have to see it first.

Six signs you have stopped moving

Read these slowly and answer honestly. You don't need to recognise yourself in all six. One or two, week after week, is enough to hold your healing back.

1. Your ex is your first and last thought of the day. You wake up and they are there. You fall asleep running through the same conversation. In between, they are the background to everything.
2. You have put yourself on trial. You keep coming back to what must be wrong with you, as if the breakup were a verdict on your worth. Penny is firm on this one: whatever happened, you are not at fault for the pain you feel.
3. Your phone has become a door you keep opening. You message or call, again and again, hoping that this time they will give it another try. Or you don't send anything, but you check their profile five times a day, which keeps the wound just as open.
4. Evenings are about getting numb. The glass of wine became three, or the scrolling goes on until 2 a.m., or you lean on whatever stops you feeling for a few hours. It works for the night and costs you the next day.
5. You tell everyone you are fine. You hide the sadness and the anger, partly because friends and family seem tired of hearing about it. Penny's view is that if you don't let yourself feel the pain, you can never be free of it.
6. Your days have lost their shape, and the future looks blank. Meals, sleep, work and the things you used to enjoy have all slipped, and when you try to picture a happy life without your ex in it, nothing comes.

If you saw yourself in that list, take a breath and go easy on yourself. Penny says it plainly: we have all been there. Almost everyone who has loved and lost has spent time in this exact place, and recognising it is how you start climbing out.

[Add one honest sentence here if you have been stuck like this yourself, or know someone who was. If not, delete this line.]

How to climb out, one small move at a time

Nobody climbs out of a rut with one huge effort on a Sunday night. You climb out with small moves that you repeat until they hold.

Let the feeling out instead of sitting on it

It sounds backwards, but the way past the hurt goes through it. When you let yourself be sad instead of fighting it, the feeling starts to move. Write it down, say it out loud to someone, or simply let yourself cry. All of it is allowed, and none of it means you are going backwards.

Close the trial

Every time you catch yourself listing what is wrong with you, say the true thing instead: you loved someone, and losing them hurts. That is a human response, "mental, emotional and even chemical", in Penny's words. Blame keeps you circling, while kindness towards yourself is what lets you move.

Choose one person for the bad nights

Penny encourages people to find a "Breakup Sponsor": one person you can turn to on the rough days, who will listen and gently keep you going. It is not a magic cure, but having someone in your corner can be worth its weight in gold. Asking them is a sign of strength.

Make the contact decision in daylight

Sometimes contact with an ex is fine, and sometimes it keeps reopening the wound. Decide on your plan while you are calm, write it down if it helps, and stick to it when the 11 p.m. urge arrives.

Put one piece of your day back

Don't try to rebuild your whole life this week. Pick one simple thing, such as a morning walk, a proper breakfast or a call to a friend, and do it again tomorrow. A day with one fixed point in it is much harder to fall through.

These are only the first moves. Penny's eBook, Survival After Separation, has a whole section of daily tips for getting through the rough periods, regaining your self control and avoiding a sadness rut in the first place, and she sums up her approach in a short video on the 5 key principles.

What the person who is moving again has done

Go back to the first person in this article for a moment. She isn't over it, and she still has bad evenings. But she has let herself feel it, she has someone to call, and her days have a shape again, so the bad evenings no longer swallow the whole week. That is what climbing out looks like from the inside, and it is closer than it feels when you are at the bottom.

Healing still takes time and effort, as Penny herself says. You can come out the other side knowing yourself better than before, with your confidence back and room in your life for love again.

If you have been stuck for a while, start here

Penny explains the 5 key principles to getting over your ex and how to be happy again in a short video. It is a gentle place to begin, whether your breakup was last month or long enough ago that you feel you "should" be over it by now.

Watch Penny's short video: How to get over your ex and be happy again

(As I said at the top, that is my affiliate link.)

Disclosure: this article contains an affiliate link. If you buy through it, I may earn a commission at no extra cost to you.

Survival After Separation is a written, step-by-step eBook for people who want to get over a breakup, not undo it. If you are hurting and want a clear plan for the weeks and months ahead, it is worth a look. If you are hoping to get back together with your ex, want a video course, or need help urgently, it is the wrong thing to buy, and the sections below explain why.

[If you have read the book, add one or two sentences about what stood out for you. If you have not, delete this line.]

What Survival After Separation is

It is an eBook by Penny Price, who has worked as a relationship counselor for over 20 years and has met with thousands of people going through heart-shattering breakups. The book is over 130 pages of what the order page calls "easy to read, step-by-step 'instructions'" to help you understand the psychology of your breakup and then recover as quickly as possible.

It is not new. Penny first released it in 2012, and the ideas it is built on (grief, support, how you handle contact with your ex, getting your days back) are the kind that don't go out of date.

You will meet it through a short video. The sales page is Penny's video on "the 5 key principles to getting over your ex and how to be happy again", with the price underneath. Watching it costs nothing, and it gives you a fair sense of her approach before you decide anything.

What is inside the book

Going by Penny's own list of contents, the book covers:

• Why you shouldn't be quick to judge your ex.
• Why it is okay to feel sad.
• How to recover from the first shock, and why what you do in the first days, weeks and months makes such a difference.
• How to brace yourself for the pain that is coming, and how to embrace it rather than bury it.
• What a "Breakup Sponsor" is and why you need one. Penny is clear that a sponsor is not a magic pill, but calls that support "worth its weight in gold".
• What the five stages of grief are really about, and how to ride out the rollercoaster of emotion.
• When contact with your ex is advisable, and when it is not.
• Exactly what to do if your ex asks to get back together. Her advice here is to be strong, make a clean break and never settle for second best.
• Finding support in other people, and coming to terms with the fact that it really is over.
• Daily tips for the rough periods: regaining your self control and avoiding a "sadness rut".
• Knowing when it is the right time to love again, overcoming your fears and setting new goals.

Running through all of it are a few beliefs Penny holds firmly. You are not at fault for the pain. The pain is real, "mental, emotional and even chemical". Friends who say "just get over it" mean well but are wrong. And if you don't let yourself feel it, you can't be free of it.

The two bonuses

Two extras come with the book.

• Supreme Self Confidence: In Dating, Relationships and Social Situations. An eBook by Slade Shaw (184 pages, according to Penny's original letter) with tips and techniques on self-confidence in your personal life, dating, social situations, your career and relationships.
• How To Achieve Mastery of Your Inner Game. A discussion with a dating expert about self-confidence in dating, with tips on dating and relationships. The expert's name is kept as a surprise.

Both bonuses lean towards confidence and dating, so they are most useful later on, once the worst is behind you and you are thinking about meeting someone new. In the first raw weeks, the main book is what you will reach for.

Who it is for

This book suits you if you have accepted, or are starting to accept, that the relationship is over and you want to stop hurting this much. It is written for any kind of ending: a breakup that came as a total surprise, one that was mutual, or one you started yourself. It also fits people whose breakup was a long time ago but who still miss their ex and feel it shaping their life.

It particularly suits someone who likes to read, go back over a page, and work through things privately at their own pace. If friends have run out of patience, or you would rather not lean on them every night, a book is there at 2 a.m. when nobody else is.

Price is part of the picture too. Penny's own comparison is that it costs far less than a run of therapy sessions or nights at the bar, and "less than the price of a lonely takeout dinner for one".

Who it is not for

• Anyone hoping to reunite with their ex. This book is about getting over someone, and on the question of an ex asking to come back, Penny's advice is a clean break. If reuniting is your goal, you will be disappointed.
• Anyone in crisis right now. If you are thinking about harming yourself or can't get through the day, please call a doctor, a counselor or a local helpline first. A book can come later.
• Anyone who wants video lessons or live coaching. This is a written eBook. Apart from the bonus discussion, there are no videos, calls or personal sessions.
• Anyone looking for a quick fix. Penny says it herself: there is no magic pill, and getting through a breakup still takes time and effort. The book gives you the steps, and you still have to take them.

Price and guarantee

Survival After Separation costs $37, as one payment. Your card is charged by ClickBank, which handles the sale, and the order comes with an 8-week (60-day) money-back guarantee. In the order page's words, if you are not satisfied for any reason, you can just send an email and you will be refunded.

That guarantee covers your money, not a result. Nobody can promise how quickly you will feel better. What it does mean is that you can read the book, try the steps for two months, and still get your $37 back if it isn't right for you.

If you want to see Penny's approach before deciding, her short video on the 5 key principles is the place to start.

The honest downsides

• It is reading, and plenty of it. Over 130 pages is a real book, and some people in the first weeks after a breakup can barely concentrate on a text message.
• It asks you to do the work. Being gentle with yourself, feeling the pain instead of numbing it, choosing a Breakup Sponsor and deciding about contact are all things you have to act on.
• It dates from 2012, and the way it was originally sold was in the loud, excitable style of that time. If big promises put you off, judge the book by its contents and Penny's video rather than the old marketing.
• You watch a video before you reach the order page. Some people like that, while others would rather skim text.

Verdict: a kind, practical book for people ready to move on

Survival After Separation is a sensible and practical book for someone who has lost a relationship and wants a clear path through the hurt. Its strongest points are the ones people most often get wrong on their own: letting yourself feel the loss, not going through it alone, being careful about contact, and knowing in advance what you will do if your ex comes back. At $37 with a 60-day refund window, the risk is small.

It is not for someone hoping to reunite, someone who needs urgent help, or someone who wants a coach on the other end of a call. For everyone else, it is a solid place to start.

Watch Penny's short video on the 5 key principles to getting over your ex

(As I said at the top, that is my affiliate link.)

Disclosure: this article contains an affiliate link. If you buy through it, I may earn a commission at no extra cost to you.

Penny Price has spent over 20 years as a relationship counselor, sitting with thousands of people in the weeks and months after a breakup. In that time she noticed a pattern. People in pain rarely stay stuck because they are weak. They stay stuck because they do the wrong thing, again and again, often while trying very hard. In her words: "99 times out of 100... people do the wrong thing to get over their breakup."

The mistakes below come from her list. Every one of them makes sense from the inside, which is exactly why they are so easy to fall into. And one of them, number five, is a mistake most people are proud of making.

If you recognise yourself in a few of these, go easy on yourself. As Penny says, "we all have been there, too."

1. Letting your ex take over every waking hour

You wake up and they are the first thing on your mind. You fall asleep replaying the last conversation. In between, every song, street and smell leads back to them. Thinking about someone you loved is natural, but when it fills the whole day, there is no room left for anything to heal.

Instead: give the thoughts a place to go. Write them down, say them out loud to someone you trust, or set aside a time each day to let yourself feel it fully. When the feeling has somewhere to go, it stops having to follow you everywhere.

2. Putting yourself on trial

This is the one that keeps people up at 2 a.m.: going over what must be wrong with you, since you couldn't keep the relationship going. You rewrite every argument and find yourself guilty each time.

Instead: take Penny's line to heart. No matter why the breakup happened, you are not at fault for the pain you feel, and "no healing can ever happen if you are constantly thrashing yourself over the loss." You can learn from a relationship without punishing yourself for it.

3. Keeping the door open with your phone

Constantly contacting your ex, trying to persuade them to give it another try, is on Penny's list for a reason. Each message keeps the wound open, and each silence or short reply opens it a little wider.

Instead: make a calm decision about contact, in daylight, before the lonely evening comes. Penny's book has a full section on when and why contact with an ex is and is not advisable. Decide once, clearly, so you aren't deciding again every night with your thumb over the send button.

4. Numbing it

A drink to get to sleep, then three. Scrolling until the screen blurs. Whatever stops the feeling for a few hours. Penny calls these the "self destructive things" people do to numb the pain, and she counts "destructive diversions like going to the bar" among the most expensive ways to deal with a breakup.

Instead: swap one numbing habit for one comforting one. A walk, a bath, a call to a friend, an early night with a book. You don't have to be perfect. You only have to stop making tomorrow harder than today.

5. Pretending you are fine

This is the mistake people are proud of. You keep a brave face at work, you tell your family you are "doing really well, actually", and you push the sadness and the anger down because everyone seems tired of hearing about it. It looks like strength. Penny sees it differently: if you don't let yourself fully feel the pain, you can never be free of it.

The hurt doesn't vanish. It waits, and it can leave you "with a bit of a hole in your heart that you just choose to bury and try to ignore", which can affect your future relationships and your future happiness.

Instead: tell at least one person the truth. Penny suggests finding a "Breakup Sponsor", one person who understands and can keep you going on the rough days. As she says, it's not a magic pill, but that support can be worth its weight in gold, and asking for it is a sign of strength.

Penny goes into this in her short video on the 5 key principles to getting over your ex, and it is worth a few minutes if you have been holding everything in.

6. Letting your days fall apart

When a relationship ends, the routine often goes with it. Meals get skipped, sleep goes wrong, the gym bag stays by the door. Penny lists a disrupted daily routine among the common mistakes because a day with no shape is much easier to fall through.

Instead: rebuild one thing at a time. Pick a single fixed point, such as breakfast at the same time, a ten-minute walk or a call to a friend on Sunday, and keep it for a week before you add another. Small things you repeat do more than big plans you abandon.

7. Deciding your future can't be happy without them

The last item on Penny's list is the hardest to see from inside: finding it impossible to think about a happy life without your ex in it. It feels like a fact, yet it is a feeling, and it keeps people stuck longer than almost anything else, because it makes every step forward look pointless.

It is also why some people say yes on the spot when an ex asks to try again, before they have asked themselves whether it is what they deserve.

Instead: let yourself picture a future without having to believe in it yet. Penny talks about honoring your past while looking forward to a bright future, and about becoming "a newer, better and more loving and loveable you". Write down one small thing you want for yourself in the next year that has nothing to do with your ex. And decide now, calmly, what you would say if they asked to come back, so you never have to settle for second best.

Start with the one that made you wince

Don't try to fix all seven at once. Pick the one that stung when you read it, and do the "instead" for that one today. If you can manage a second, make it number five: tell one person the truth about how you are.

[Add one sentence here about which of these mistakes you have seen most, in yourself or in someone close to you. If not, delete this line.]

Penny wrote all of this up in a step-by-step eBook, Survival After Separation, built on what she saw work and not work over two decades of counseling. Her short video sets out the 5 key principles behind it, and it is the best next step if you saw yourself in this list.

Watch Penny's short video on getting over your ex and being happy again

(As I said at the top, that is my affiliate link.)

Disclosure: this article contains an affiliate link. If you buy through it, I may earn a commission at no extra cost to you.

The first night is often strangely calm. It is somewhere around day three that it hits: you reach for your phone to tell them something funny, and remember. Then come the meals you can't finish, the evenings that stretch on forever, and the friend who says you will be fine soon.

You will be fine. But the first month after a breakup counts for more than most people realise. Relationship counselor Penny Price, who has met with thousands of people after heart-shattering breakups over more than 20 years, says that what you do in the first days, weeks and months can make a huge difference to the rest of your life. Get those weeks roughly right and you lay a floor under yourself. Get them wrong and you can spend a long time in what she calls a "sadness rut".

Here is a gentle, practical plan for those 30 days. You don't need to do it perfectly. You just need to do most of it, most days.

One thing first: if you are thinking about harming yourself, or can't get through the day, please call a doctor or a local helpline before anything else. That is the right first step, and there is no shame in it.

Days 1 to 3: let it hit, and look after your body

Don't try to be productive and don't try to be fine. Penny's first piece of advice is simple: be gentle with yourself. You don't go through a breakup every week, so there is no correct way to feel. Crying in the shower, staring at the wall, feeling oddly relieved and then devastated an hour later are all normal.

Do three things a day and count them as a win: drink water, eat something, and get into bed at a reasonable hour even if you don't sleep much. That is the whole job for now.

And remind yourself of something Penny says to everyone she sees: whatever led to the breakup, you are not at fault for the pain you are in. It is a human response, "mental, emotional and even chemical", and you didn't choose it.

Days 4 to 7: choose your Breakup Sponsor

By the end of the first week, pick one person to be your "Breakup Sponsor". This is Penny's idea: one person who understands, who you can call on the bad nights, and who keeps you going. Pick someone patient, someone who won't tell you to "just get over it", and ask them directly. Something like: "I'm having a hard time. Can I call you when it gets bad?"

Penny is honest that a sponsor isn't a magic pill. She also says the support can be worth its weight in gold, and that asking for help is a real sign of strength.

Week 2: decide about contact, in daylight

Most of the damage in the first month happens late at night, phone in hand. So make your decision about contact with your ex in the morning, while you are calm. Sometimes some contact is unavoidable or fine (children, bills, a shared home to sort out). Sometimes it simply keeps the wound open.

Decide what kind of contact you will have, if any, write it down, and tell your Breakup Sponsor so they can remind you. If contact is necessary, keep it short and practical. If you catch yourself writing a long message asking for another try, send it to your sponsor instead.

When and why contact is and is not advisable is one of the areas Penny goes into in detail, and she covers her wider approach in a short video on the 5 key principles to getting over your ex.

Weeks 2 and 3: give your days a shape again

A breakup tends to take your routine with it, and a day with no shape is very easy to fall through. Penny lists a disrupted routine as one of the most common mistakes people make.

Choose one or two fixed points and keep them every day:

• Get up at roughly the same time, even at weekends.
• Eat one proper meal at a set time.
• Go outside for at least ten minutes. A walk round the block counts.
• Put your phone in another room an hour before bed.

It sounds small, and it is meant to be. Once those few things hold, add another: a class, a hobby you dropped, a regular call with a friend.

Week 3: feel it on purpose

By now, people around you may expect you to be "over it", and you may be tempted to pretend. Don't. Penny is firm that if you don't let yourself fully feel the pain, you can never be free of it, and pushing it down only buries it.

So give it a place. Some people write for fifteen minutes every evening. Some save the crying for a walk. Some talk it through with their sponsor. It also helps to understand the five stages of grief, which Penny covers in her book: losing a relationship is a real loss, and the highs and lows of the rollercoaster are far less frightening when you can see that you are moving through them.

Week 4: decide what you would say if they came back

Exes do sometimes get in touch and ask to try again. If that happens and you have no plan, it is very easy to say yes because you are lonely, then end up back where you started.

So decide now, while you are calm, what you deserve. Penny's advice is to be strong, make a clean break and never settle for second best. Write down what you would say, and keep it somewhere you can find it.

Then set one small goal that is only about you: a trip, a skill, a room you want to redecorate, a friend you have been meaning to see. It doesn't need to be big. It just needs to point forward.

If day 30 arrives and you still feel awful

That is normal, and it doesn't mean you have done it wrong. Thirty days is a start, not a deadline. Healing after a breakup takes time and effort, as Penny herself says, and there is no magic pill.

What counts at the end of the month is direction. Look back at day three. If you are eating, sleeping a little better, have someone to call and have a plan for contact, you are moving, even if it doesn't feel like it. If instead you still think about your ex all day and night, keep going over what is wrong with you, or can't picture any happy life without them, that is the sadness rut Penny describes, and it is a sign to get more help rather than wait.

[Add one honest sentence here about why you are sharing this guide, for example something that helped you or someone close to you. If not, delete this line.]

What to read after the first month

Penny has written all of this, and much more, into a step-by-step eBook called Survival After Separation, from the first shock through to knowing when you are ready to love again. Before you decide anything, her short video explains the 5 key principles to getting over your ex and how to be happy again. If you are somewhere in your first 30 days right now, it is worth a few minutes of a long evening.

Watch Penny's short video on the 5 key principles

(As I said at the top, that is my affiliate link.)